Metamorphosis

October 8th.
Relapse

I’d say I relapsed into ana about a month ago. Now, to make this abundantly clear: most of us with EDs don’t just brush off our illness once we decide to recover. Everyday (and sometimes every minute of every hour), is a fight. I don’t remember the last time I’ve looked at a plate of food without analyzing the caloric content; I don’t go a single bite without agonizing—however miniscule to unbearable—on what swallowing will result in.

However, I have spent…oh, the past year and a half focusing on others instead of me. I can’t tell you how tired I was of seeing my step-mother’s teary eyes in the nutritionist or therapist’s office as I refused anti-depressants and treatment. My father’s shaking voice as he begged me to eat something, eat anything. At one point or another, I guess you become so broken down that your will to fight the ones you love doesn’t even matter anymore. Or, I don’t know…perhaps I never reached a point of psychosis strong enough to keep me chained to my disorder.

Or so I thought.

The funny thing is, you assume you’ll get better. That as you put on some healthy pounds and learn how to “live in moderation”, your mindset will change.

Fact number one: it doesn’t.

You do what you’re told. You eat without restricting, you quit the cross country team to focus on new endeavors…heck, you even enjoy living a little. And your body responds. It packs on the weight, grasping onto every last pound of fatty flesh like you’ll throw it back into starvation mode again. Your relationships begin to heal.

But you…the innermost part of you refuses to change.

Ok, so you’ve figured out your trigger points with your therapist—apparently mine is from a severe need of love from my biological mother and a sense of recognition from my father…and a probable chemical imbalance within my brain that in turn causes intense obsessive-compulsive tendencies blah blah blah—and you’ve figured out how to deal with those issues. So why in the hell is Ana still bitching at me to stop with the feeling nonsense and get back on the bandwagon?

Because, as I’ve come to the conclusion: sometimes, these things never go away.

So. In reference to my intro, I have relapsed. I have lost around fifteen pounds since I’ve started school, and don’t plan on turning back any time soon. I’ve let Ana take the wheel once more, because I have no fucking stamina to do it on my own anymore. I stopped going to my college Christian group. I’ve stopped responding to “where have you been” messages. I’m done.

It’s just me, and the next couple months of metamorphosis. And when I’m ready, I’ll come back out, brand new. Better. Stronger. And this time, understanding of the fact that this is who I am.

-C